Aries You are either 30 minutes early, raring to go, and incandescent that everyone else is late, or you turn up four days late at a different venue and are outraged that the expedition went without you.

Taurus You are never late, you have never been late; you will never be late. People in Switzerland set their clocks by you, train companies call you for advice. Strangely, everyone else is always late meeting with you.

Gemini You’re rarely late (you’d hate to miss any good pickings), but never stay long since you are usually on your way to somewhere else that you think might be more interesting, or stuffed with classier celebs.

Cancer You are never on time for anything; who’d want to see you? Who’d even notice you weren’t there? Plus, it’s a classic way to control the event without appearing to-passive-aggressive or what?

Leo There must be some mistake. Of course you are never late. How could you be? No event would ever start until you and your entourage arrive, surely? If it did, you’d flounce off right away and have it cancelled.

Virgo You are never, ever late; or early for that matter. You are always exactly on time – it’s not difficult, if only they’d let you  run the world, you’d make sure that DBL (Deliberately Being Late) was a federal offence.

Libra You are always late because you take so long to decide what to wear (and tear yourself away from the mirror), but look so gorgeou, and are so limpidly, charmingly abject when you do show, that you are forgiven.

Scorpios Never late. It’s tactically unsound. You like to get there a bit eary so that you can observe your victim arrive; then you calculate an angle of approach that ensures the sun shines directly into their eyes.

Saggitarius Never knowingly on time; you are either four hours late, and covered in scorchmarks, two days late because you faught the law and the law won, or don’t show up at all because you are nude bobsleighing.

Aquarius You refuse to follow anyone else’s agenda, so never turn up on time, or even . on day. People blame it on your legendary but suspect absentmindedness, but you know it’s your way of controlling the situation.

Capricorn You always arrive 30 minutes early to impress important people and make underlings feel insecure, unless the inner goat has seized control, when you won’t turn up at all because you are busy corrupting innocents.

Pisces You’re not late as such, but you get lost, can’t remember where you’re going, or what day it is. It’s whoever you’re meeting’s fault for putting you under so much pressure; stop off at a bar for a consoling drink or several.

Fantastic. Find more in “Darkside Zodiac” by Stella Hyde, available at your local Barnes and Noble.